Passenger to Life

Truth first came gently on a cold school night 
And said, “all that’s living will die. To know yourself, first know I.”
For a bit I thought of death, and cried
And then stopped quickly. Abruptly.  And said,
“Go away, I’m fine”

And shut my heart so truth couldn’t come back 
And put stories of myself in an old backpack
And walked out in the stars to that place trains would chug 
And pushed down pain
With a confident shrug 
And clambered on the carriage
And raced out fast into the night 
And celebrated in vain: I was a passenger to life

Years passed; the bag stayed close and grew,
Outside was passing in a whir while we laughed and drank spirits 
Where we didn’t know our own
And bonds with money and people, began to feel like home
Life grew louder as we filled it right up
And only left space for the things that we called grown up
And we were nice mostly, because it seemed like the right thing to do
But when vulnerability came close
We would laugh, “fuck you”

God came back in a moment of quiet and asked, “are you okay?”
“I’m fine.”
I said. And no tears came.
And denial carried on.
I kept telling myself then, 
“You belong, you belong”

And people I thought were permanent left. 
And when my health was bad, I shouted – “theft”. 
My heart broke too, but I stayed somehow windswept 
And filled a void 
With new glitter 
Though I cried to one I loved, who lied,
And heard an echo with no reply
And in the quiet, god said “you won’t find forever on this ride”
And I said, “go away, I’m fine”

Life moved and I kept my eyes off truth 
And the ground became noisier
The carriage became busier 
And my thoughts became louder, and someone died,
Sitting right beside me. Mid sentence.
Right at the comma, where you were supposed to take a breath. 
And people near me 
Who I called dear to me 
All seemed to subside 
Just a bag of bullshit stories at my side 

And god said, “Do you want to know me yet?”
I said,
“I’m fine”
But I began to lose my mind. 
I held; tried to cling
To every fading worldly thing 
Like confetti – 
You can’t build a home on confetti. 
And finally, at the final straw 
I had everything I could have wanted in the world –
But loss kept coming, and the train tracks kept drumming,
I cried,

“Get me off this goddamn ride”

And truth came back and stopped the train
I clambered out then in the pouring rain, 
And god said,

“Leave the bag behind. 
All you are is not your mind 
Come with nothing
And follow me”

And we walked
And at that slow, slow pace I could suddenly see
The cosmos I had never touched and
The star grass I had never brushed 
I saw the moon again and it saw me
And I knew none of them would stay 
Neither would night when came the day
But I was here
And death seemed close and far 
And it was beautiful and intimate:
That we were nothing but an inch apart 

Truth held me in a big, big wave
As I opened up my hollow cave 
And let it pour right through my ribs
Between my lungs, right to my hips and
My feet felt the ground that seemed now strong 

And god said, “you know me”
I said, “I do”
“I am nothing but a piece of you”